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By Edie Weinstein-Moser

One of the many perks of my job as a free-lance journalist is being able to attend seminars and write about them for transformational publications. A few months ago, I was invited by Omega Institute to come up there, attend a weekend workshop and do just that.

With excitement, I perused the catalogue until I found the perfect weekend (this one) and the ideal workshop for me on so many levels. It was called “Broken Open” and it was based on the book by that name written by Elizabeth Lesser, one of the co-founders of Omega. Together with David Wilcox ,who is one of my favorite singer-songwriters, and Nance Pettit, who is an amazing healing force and musician who is married to David, Elizabeth co-facilitated an experience that leaves me reeling and reveling as I continue to soak in the loving energy that followed me down from Rhinebeck. The description of the workshop didn’t do it justice, but enticed me when I read it. It spoke to my own seemingly broken places that called out for deep healing. The article I write about it will be in the November-December issue of Mystic Pop.

This is the description that jumped off the page at me:

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anaïs Nin

“Not just once, but over and over throughout our lives, each one of us is the bud whose time has come to break open. Usually, we fear change, loss, or transition. But these challenges-at work, home, in a relationship, or with our health-are the very experiences that can nudge us open and make us bolder, wiser, and more fully alive.

This experiential workshop is for anyone who wants to learn how to fight less with the changing nature of life and death, and relax more into the mystery of existence. We use meditation practice to put down the burden of the way it's supposed to be, and rest in the freedom of the way it is.

Through conversation, writing, listening to music, and engaging in healing and therapeutic exercises, we find the courage to dive into and through the difficulties of being human.”

The participants came from all over the country, carrying with them their pain, wounds, secrets and struggles, as if they had packed them in their luggage and courageously unfolded them in one another’s presence, before open and receptive hearts. A group of 45 of us bonded rapidly when on Friday night, we each briefly shared our stories. Before I even entered the building, Elizabeth, who greeted me warmly, asked me not to tell the group part of my purpose there. She felt it would detract from the totality of my own experience. She encouraged me to be a full participant. Although I appreciated her guidance, I felt a clutch of fear and a sense of dishonesty. My monkey mind kicked in immediately and chattered in my ear “What if people feel betrayed when they find out you’ve been undercover?” I struggled with that even as I shared that what brought me to the workshop was a sense of needing to be Real without hiding behind the various and sundry roles I play. My heart was thudding throughout, wondering if I was transparent and people could see through my disguise. I did what I always do when the simian saboteur starts jumping about...I fed it a banana. Truth be told, I needed a whole backpack full of them to satisfy her throughout the weekend. This time, the banana was a reminder to myself that I really did deserve this time in the paradise that I have visited three times in as many summers. For those who haven’t been to Omega, it is very much heaven on Earth and I could feel the stressors of the week literally melting away when the car I was driving belonging to my friend Rochelle who was attending a different workshop at Omega, turned on to Centre Road. Let the sighing begin....

I found myself in the company of people who may have been feeling the same way that I did, but who dove in nevertheless. Music, meditation, experiential exercises and readings from Elizabeth’s books highlighted the weekend. Although the workshop wasn’t jam-packed with activity (unlike my life), it was rich in content and was like gentle internal cleansing, rather than a spiritual colonic. The co-mingled energies of Nance and David and Elizabeth created a safe container for what transpired.

One of the chapters with which Elizabeth regaled us was called “Bozos on the Bus”. Many of you who lived during the 60's may recall Wavy Gravy, a clown who was the MC at Woodstock. His contention is that we all have our frailties and vulnerabilities, can all fall down and skin our knees and still come up smiling. He appears to be unafraid of looking silly. Elizabeth used the phrase, “We are all bozos on the bus” throughout the workshop, encouraging us to let the parts of ourselves that were cautious about being seen, come out in all their glory. As I deepened my exploration, remnants from childhood decisions came clamoring for attention. One of the most powerful moments arrived when we were doing a heart opening exercise. Nance had asked us to be aware of our places of neediness. Yikes I had lived so many of my 48 years attempting to deny that part of myself, replacing it with taking care of the needs of others. Shit, if these people in the workshop saw that I felt truly needy at times, what would they think? My place of neediness has been answered over and over by many of you who are reading this...a desire to be known and seen, loved for who I am, not for what I do. No matter how many times and in how many ways the words are repeated, they still hadn’t sunk in. After we expressed our areas of vulnerability, our partner was to place their hand on our heart and send it “the perfect medicine to heal it”. The woman who was my partner said something during the exercise that was an arrow which pierced my heart and then provided the balm to heal it. She looked me straight in the eye and asked “Do you think you’re better than the rest of us that we have needs and you don’t?” What a wake up call. I honor her for that. For so long, I had been in that meeting needs role because it felt frightening to ask for what I need...”what if I don’t get it?” chattered the cerebral chimp. “Oh shut up....here, have a banana.” So, here’s a newsflash for y’all (maybe not)...sometimes despite being surrounded by blessings and loving souls, I feel lonely, sad, scared, angry, doubting, judgmental and jealous. My ego-mind can throw a whopper of a temper tantrum. A few months ago, someone challenged me to be aware of the places in my life where I had suffered and may still be suffering. I told him that I knew, from his Buddhist perspective what he meant by suffering, but still I resisted even considering the possibility.

As the layers of facade were stripped away, I felt closer to these folks; part of my new family of choice and during off workshop time, I found myself engaged in conversation the likes of which I would normally have (even as open as I am) with people I’ve known at least a little longer. We faced each other in all our perfect imperfection and held each other literally and figuratively through it. A wave of emotion enveloped me ; ecstatic joy mixed with profound grief.

I rarely sleep well at Omega..too many people with too much buzzing energy. Today I awoke at 4:42 a.m. with a message in the form of a question: “How much of yourself are you willing to bring to the table?” This morning, Elizabeth asked if people had anything to share that came up since last night. I raised my hand and ‘came clean’ with the group, about my dual role as journalist/participant. No one was shocked. I assured them of their confidentiality and Elizabeth reinforced that. As I wept for all the times I had been inauthentic in my life, a care giver when I wanted to be a care receiver, people whose issues seemed far more acute than mine at the moment, reached out to embrace me. In doing so, I think it strengthened them as well.

The last exercise we did that closed out the workshop had us symbolically placing into a pine cone what it was we wanted to release and then throwing it into a fire and declaring what we wanted to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. I asked to surrender the belief that I can’t be vulnerable or needy and still receive love and then I did something that is uncharacteristic for me...I said that I had no clue what would arise...for the first time in ages, I really didn’t have answers, but said that I was gonna have a great time watching to see what emerged. David’s song (which he didn’t sing this weekend), that I listened to on the way home, speaks beautifully of that concept.

Out of the Question by David Wilcox

Case closed. I was certain in my youth God knows, I had my scientific proof In my mind, I thought I saw the truth Never looked beyond my lenses; never saw that it was you

Out of the question So the answer I could never see Out of the question I look for you and you find me Out of the question You’re closer than the air I breath But out of the question And into the mystery

My heart - brings me to my knees There’s God: the forest for the trees Move me, like the wind will stir the leaves I give way to the mystery like the branches in the breeze and I’m... Out of the question Catch the wind inside my fist? No it’s Out of the question Try to trap you and I know I’ve missed Out of the question The place you will always be, is Out of the question And into the mystery

Truth is there for finding, but the logic that’s involved is a mystery unwinding, not a problem to be solved

Out of the question I look for You, and You find me Out of the question In truth you will always be Out of the question You’re closer than the air I breathe Out of the question... and Into the mystery!

So, from this Bozo to all my Beloved Bozos who are reading this....climb on board the bus, let your tears and laughter blend, so that you don’t know where one begins and one ends ~ ~ ~

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